<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
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*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.