Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
time for some seasonal decor
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.