Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
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Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I am never leaving this website
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.