Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
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I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people