I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
You Might Also Like
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Just a reminder, folks:
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
oppen heimer style lol
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.