Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
You Might Also Like
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop