[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
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I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.