[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
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*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Breaking news:
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert