They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.