Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
blocked.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
“How’s your day going?”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.