FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
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5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
One venti cheeseburger please.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”