Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense