@jobless4eyes: Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he's suntanning.
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@garbagecoven: *voluntarily spends hours on the internet daily* neato *friend sends 5-min video to watch* do i look like im made of free time or something
@Cheeseboy22: The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
@DanielAda1960: Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you've had to drink.
@naughtywriter2: At my funeral - The pastor: "She was truly an angel that fell from heaven" My ex, whispering to my other ex: "So was Lucifer!"