@jobless4eyes: Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he's suntanning.
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@LindaInDisguise: Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head? Him: That's nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
@VeganZebra: *walks into IT department attempting to look cool* You guys torrent any emails lately?
@jonnysun: she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now? "...there ar plenty of fish in the sea" OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
@JukeJointJesse: Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.