“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
When someone trying to leave me
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic