“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
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My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once