Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
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If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
(yawn)
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.