Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
my dad has had enough
#dalle2
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.