Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
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Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.