Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
You Might Also Like
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.