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@delmolition: Found an eyelash on my pizza.
Wished for more pizza.
@timdonakowski: Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
@shesananteater: Cathy on FB is "feeling annoyed" and is asking why people even own cell phones if they're not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
@hotsoccerchic69: Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people
@timdonakowski: Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day?
Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.
@DevilryFun: Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?