GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
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Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
What about second breakfast?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda