Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
My flabber has been gasted.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Netflix and awkward silence?
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…