So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
so much to do
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence