@bad_as_you_want: Found my 16yr old daughters Twitter today, made her deactivate it...after I copied all of her best material to my draft folder of course
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@LePetitOiseau_L: It's like my cat doesn't even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
@Bill_Nye_Tho__: elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like "lmao for sure, g'night"
@jenstatsky: The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you're looking for anything specific is, "the bottom half of a shirt."
@DadBeard: By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?