@TrickleVaryTea: Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.
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@mydanimarie: Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
@Matty_Lombardo: Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that's not it. Keep thinking! We'll figure this out.
@stephenjmolloy: [Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight] Attendant: "Is there a doctor on board?" Ian: "I'm a-" *gets dragged off the flight*