@TrickleVaryTea: Found my bra in the garden. Wish it was from wild sex but I think my cat dragged it out the cat flap.
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@mattZillaaaa: My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like "no, I went out last night"
@INDlAN_: I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say: “It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
@maurex23: WINDEX CEO: listen, I can't have you making puns anymore. EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear-- CEO: you're fired.
@WheelTod: [Interview] "Why'd you leave ur last job?" My boss felt threatened by me [Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]