Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
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I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
The human personality is made of five key elements
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?