Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
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Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture