Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
This took me a second..
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Well, that didn’t work.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.