Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Good dog. ❤️
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I’m awake but I object,
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…