You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
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Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Why I divorced her.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Twitter is an abusement park.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
🤣🤣🤣
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?