Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
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[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
WHY?!
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it