Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
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“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I might carry a baby with one hand.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.