Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
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To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.