Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
You Might Also Like
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
58.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.