Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
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Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
No laws when master is gone
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
yes… yes…
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist