With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
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My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]