Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
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Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Sunday
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.