My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
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“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Always
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
When you’re Kinky but poor
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
sistine chapel
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.