Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
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I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Sending in my taxes
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.