@hippieswordfish: Found this in my kids room
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@WheelTod: Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living” *2 weeks later [In church] Priest: “We are gathered here today to...” Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
@therealeatwood: BOB: Hey boss can I get another raise SCROOGE: But I just gave you… B: What’s that over there, is it a gho-o-o-ost?? Ooooooooo S: OK! OK!
@ArfMeasures: Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me Me: I'll have a word with him [Later] Son: How did it go, Dad? Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
@ElleOhHell: Jared Leto's primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil