First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
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Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
That de-escalated quickly
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??