My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
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Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
The prophecy is fulfilled
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.