Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
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I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…