Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
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The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.