Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
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My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
CRYING
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.