“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
You Might Also Like
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
superman landing like a plane on his belly
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.