“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
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Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up