Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
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Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I am never leaving this website
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-