Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
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Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL