FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
You Might Also Like
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
seems fine
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
i smell a pulitzer
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I came this close!!!!
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad