FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
ugh not again
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.